This is serious. No, this is tongue & cheek. Maybe it's both. I don't know. Do I really know anything? Talk about "keepin' it real"....well, how 'bout this:
I----don't----know----what----to----do.
I'm a very transparent person. Always have been. I don't hide things from people and that's part of why people are drawn to me or so I've been told. I also get on a kick and go FULL THROTTLE and then usually don't get to the end of whatever it was that I started off so brilliantly because of some reason or another. When I go full throttle into some new venture I truly believe with all my heart that I am following what the Lord wants me to do. How can it seem that I am wrong or have made a mistake when things go awry? Now that the Blogosphere is a part of my life I tend to post whatever new is on my mind and heart. I know I have you lurkers that read as well as all you precious bloggers I have "met" who comment and I put it all out there for you to read my life. My choice. I know. But when I have to recant something, I don't like it. I feel that it makes me look dumb or wishy-washy....and I'm neither. Well, maybe a bit wishy-washy.
How can I be a very confident girl while at the same time question every move I make? Makes no sense. However, I am right smack in the middle of those feelings. I know lots of you read this blog. Not sure why. Sometimes the pics are cute. Sometimes I am darn funny. Sometimes I write something poignant. Sometimes the post is lame-o. Sometimes I post stuff that I wish I hadn't posted, but can't really delete because all of you have already read it so what's the point of deleting?
Right now I want to delete the entire Pandapalooza Blog. Get out of the Blogosphere. Not because I really WANT to, but because of the stuff I do to myself like when I posted "The Land of Comparison" a couple of weeks ago. I have gotten myself SOOOOOOOO worked into the world of Homeschooling that I have our whole year planned, my blog all homeschool linked, the school named, the school room ready to be put together and all the fun things lined up just waiting for our taking. So what's the problem, you say?
PROBLEM:
I have a deep desire to homeschool. I KNOW I have so much to give. I L-O-N-G to live out all the reasons I posted a few days ago in "Why We Homeschool". I truly believe all those things I typed. The problem lies in the fact that I have a precious little girl WHO BUCKS EVERYTHING! Not just yesterday's blip, but all the time. As precious as she is in other ways, learning from me is not her forte in life. I hate uttering these words. They make me cry. Maybe my daughter doesn't need homeschooling. Maybe she needs other children. Maybe it's just another dream of mine crushed. Maybe.
Yesterday's funny post, was not funny at all in the real world.
Blogosphere---funny. Our house---NOT funny.
As much as I want and believe in homeschooling, my daughter is the antithesis of it. Easier said?---OPPOSITE.
So in order for me to play the "poor me" card, I have to lump all that disappointment into the bowl along with being embarrased over the homeschool blog overhaul I did and all the fancy talk, not really being able to add number to our family and the struggle that ensues, wondering what exactly I am here on earth for, seeing every past failure under a magnifying glass, wondering if I will ever live out in the country like I want, stirring it all real hard to make a cake for the "poor me party" I'm throwing then adding a dash of guilt for not being thankful for what I have and lastly a pinch of "I hate loving food too much" and then wallowing around in the mush.
Ta-dah. That's about as much "keepin' it real" as I want to post today.
This too shall pass.
Just venting.
I'm OK.
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18 comments:
Please don't quit the blog. I lurk when I can.* And I love how real you are. I have debated with myself whether to comment. Here goes. Why do I love your blog?
I love your blog because...
Your land of comparison post really hit home with me. I read and see the upsides of people's lives, they rarely seem to post when things aren't running smoothly. I have to guard my heart because *reading blogs could easily become an idol* for me. Which is probably why God has asked me to submit to my husband's request that I not have a blog. And it is a hard thing to submit to. I am thankful He goes before me and is my rear guard on this.
I love your blog because...
Your desire to add to your family really hit home. I too will never experience pregnancy, giving up that ability and having a near emergency hysterectomy was a pruning for me. The time in the months following my hyster was when God broke my heart for my daughter. It took Him to majorly break my heart to give me more than I could desire or pray for. A part of me grieves each time my daughter shares with me that she longs for a sibling. Yet we will have to be content being a trio. My husband feels we are complete. It is hard to know that His will for my life is the privilege of being the mother of one. After reading your heart's desire and seeing you submit this to God, I got up in the middle of the night on 3/16 because of a propmt to write and to pray for this for you. I never sent it. It is still in my prayer ministry folder. I am on our church's prayer chain and I write prayers for our chain. I felt awkward sending it. But, it strengthened my own heart praying over this for you. I should really be thanking you!
I love this blog because...
You are willing to share the bumps with the ordinary times and the incredible times. I have a daughter very similar to yours and it is nice to read that someone else understands the beauty and privilege of parenting these incredible children. It can be a struggle for me and hard to not compare to my life to others and her to other children, especially when several of our friends from our various Chinese playgroups have such compliant children. And mine is well, not always compliant. She is not a girlie girl. She is so full of life and joy. Which is probably why God led us to name her "that which brings joy". Between Ginger Plowman's "Don't Make me Count to 3" with a bit of "Love and Logic" thrown in, we are teaching her the discipline she craves.
I love your blog because...
You are salt and light. Through your blog you are lifting up so many and pointing them to Jesus.
Oh honey, please don't think that we are judging your every move! I love how enthusiastic you are about life and your new endeavors! But, sometimes you walk along one path and decide somewhere along the line to change directions. that is life. You aren't disappointing any of us. We're just here with you - along for the ride, so to speak. If you don't think homeschooling is the best option for you - then don't homeschool. Life, and especially motherhood, is a lot of trial and error! This blog is for you to journal your life and its many adventures (good and bad). Please don't feel like ought to go back and delete all of that just because it hasn't always followed a "perfect" format. We're all just muddling along doin' the best we can. And, you are doing a GREAT job, I might add.
Love you!!!!!!!
Alrighty - here's your big vat of Ben & Jerry's. Plop down on the couch and let's giggle.
First, could you wax my eyebrows? (I'm just imagining what we might really talk about and do if I were hanging out at your house with you right now in our jammies) ...
Now, first let me give you my diagnosis. It's not terminal or anything, but you have a clear-cut case of first-child and she's-not-even-very-old-yet syndrome. Throw that in with homeschooling and ... well, take another bite of the Ben & Jerry's.
You haven't been able to experience yet what it's like to see your child at age seven ... age ten ... age fifteen, when you can TRULY see some glimpses into the fruits of your labor. Those little areas where they buck you, but you keep your gentle but firm boundaries in place and keep trudging along ... you are building something beautiful. You just won't see it in full bloom right yet. You're still in the throws of wondering if they'll ever honor your request with an ounce of joy ... EVER??? Seriously - EVER?!?!?
But one day ... one day, my friend, you will get a glimpse ... because God knows if we don't at least have a tiny taste of it, we'll all jump off the roof!
You've also got a touch of the new-to-homeschool excitaphobia. We all get it. It's wonderful. It's euphoric. It's also completely beyond the scope of reality.
I had it. The way I did "school" - slurped big time. I finally read "The Well Trained Mind" and took her advice on Kindergarten - I chilled out. I didn't end up following anything else in that book, but the chilling out part was when I finally got it - I wasn't supposed to "do school" at home. I might as well send them to public school if I was trying to recreate it in my house.
NOW, Kindergarten in this house involves only 30-60 minutes a day of any type of encouraged, deliberate teaching (and that would lean WAY more toward the 30 instead of the 60). A child's work is their play. They learn best through play. Lots and lots and LOTS of play.
Do a google search for "Preschool activities" or "Ziploc bag activities" or "preschool shoeboxes." Plan ahead by creating lots of choices for play and pretend and discovery. Pick the stuff that fits your child's age (I've found that most Kindergartner's really love and enjoy preschool stuff like this more now that they're a bit older - can finally do some of it more independently).
You've been homeschooling every single day you've been at home with that child. You're already doing it! Over the next year, you will slowly ooze into a bit more structure. They're stubborn and hard-headed and crazy determined. Maybe a shift to "school" happened, when it wasn't supposed to. Maybe the learning has already been there, cause you're such a kick-butt mom, and the way you two have learned together all this time should continue, with about a half hour of new approaches thrown in.
Your blog is already CHOCK FULL of home education. It's a poster child for perfect ways to engage, nourish and allow a young child to flourish (I'm a poet, and didn't know it). Maybe you should just go back and add a "homeschool" tag to every post that involves your kid ... cause that's what it is. It's brilliant!
We love you for who you are. You are a passionate person, and I don't ever expect anything less from you. Keep on dreaming and pursuing - God will show you what's best; but don't quit dreaming and pressing on.
snowwhite
Well, what can I say after all those comments...ditto!! Those of us who truly know you or have come to know you through the blog LOVE you and do not judge. At least you know now what the reality of the situation is. You are not the only parent who goes through this. I have talked to many parents who have children that will not "learn" from them. Many have been students of mine...who do just fine in the classroom. You're in a good place with a nice school nearby. Test the waters with kindergarten. You may find things change in the future. You may come to a point when she's a little older where the two of you decide together that it would be better for her to be homeschooled. I have a friend who is homeschooling her 5th grader for the first time this year. Take each day one day at a time....
Hugs!!
I can't teach my kids "formally." I play piano...have for 30 years....so what do I do? I pay $200/month for piano lessons for my 2 because I know we can't all sit together and teach/learn. Maybe later.
Plus first-born.....GIRRRRRL!!!! They, my friend, are a different breed!(and they aren't easy.)
You can ask MommySpice (she knows) but out of my 4 children, 2 of them are ONLY CHILDREN. (There is a land of comparison for ya! LOL!!!!)
Wow, what can I say ....but Congratulations ...on the most perfect and honest blog ever! This is one of 'my' proudest moments! (long distance HUGs & cuddling & tons of prayers for laughter & giggles, wisdom and motivation to 'pick up and continue to 'follow every dream that appeals to your heart. God made that heart & HE DON'T MAKE JUNK!
When dreams flop or 'drizzle' we would NOT be normal if we didn't emotionally have OUR "GodLY created...Pity Party"...a sad fact===WE only get wiser when we are on our knees, disappointed, crying, hurting & questioning/seeking???... than standing bold or boastfully. (you've had enough rocks-in-the-road & know this already even tho your down right now) sometimes we just need someone else to say it.
I have to also say you have 'some of the WISEST BLOG FRIENDS ever...each of their writings above are so perfect...and they get right to the real point.
You are Normal. You dream big...you dream often...you dream GOOD! She SHARE your dreams.
So what, you change your mind? hooray---thank God Mr. Salk or Thomas Edison didn't quit CHANGING their minds and/or TRYING. (Look what great Company YOU are in) ha ha
This situation is 'just a Rock in the road...or maybe a dip in the ditch...but...dear one....THIS IS NOT THE WHOLE JOURNEY...NOT THE WHOLE PICTURE.
The BEST is yet to come...
don't fret with regret...
pursue every avenue...
YOU are Blest...
You are a Blessings!
Every summer I always wonder...is this the time for me to homeschool? So far, the answer has been no, but each year I evaluate and ask the question. My kids are now in 2nd and 4th grades. I just take it one grade level at a time. Next year my firstborn will be entering middle school...that freaks me out more than when he went to Kindergarten! We live in a smaller town and know many of his classmates which helps. It has been a joy to get to know families through our children. I didn't expect that when we sent them to school.
THank you for your blog posts...don't stop blogging! I so appreciate your heart and your honesty!
Michele
I mostly lurk here at your Blog but have to post after reading about your homeschooling trials. First let me say that I love reading your blog and finding out what you are up to with PG. I LOVE that there is someone else out there who is confident yet doubts everything. I LOVE that you are trying your hand at homeshooling a headstrong girl (this gives me insight into what my life will be like in a couple of years).
So, well, ok. I have not started homeschooling yet, my daughter is 3 and a half and we just do some organized letter work and number skills occassionally but she is headstrong and bucks me at every turn as well, so I can feel your pain. I am obviously no expert here but I kow several folks who do homeschool and they all say this " it's hard to get started, it's hard for each of you to step into new roles, some days are worse than others, some days are better, it gets easier". So there are my two cents.
I have often wondered why God sent me such a strongwilled, wonderful daughter, I feel that , surely I will mess this up and she will end up in therapy her entire adult life because of me. I wonder why God sent me my only daughter and she is not the least bit cuddly or lap-py. It seems that some days we just don't fit. But then I think, hey, every other family has days like this so the fact that we are like everyone else becomes a comfort in a way.
Take care. Keep blogging. And keep chipping away at the hard stuff, it will crumble soon enough.
Michal Dillon
I love reading your blog too....you are real and have a lot of great things to share! I only homeschooled for 1 year and there were a lot of days that I felt like a failure but now my daughter is back in middle school and I long for the good and "bad" days again! You are doing a great job!!! Prayers and hugs to you this week:)
Just like in all things... it will work out the way it should.
Don't feel judged by others because YOU know who the only one true judge is.
Enjoy your time with PG. She is a gift. School will happen one way or another.
Look...you are keeping it real! And that is key. We all have this idea of what homeschooling is going to be like, me included, and the reality is often a very different story.
In my home I'm planning on following a Montessori approach to homeschooling but the reality is that my daughter doesn't have the attention span to even look in my direction when I try to show her anything. So how on earth am I going to make it work? I'm not sure yet but I can't give up. I believe in my decision to homeschool her, and I have to give it my best shot. Yeah, my bubble has been burst but what can I do?
So, please hang in there. You will both figure it out in time.
Here's a link to a blog I read and she just wrote about this very issue. http://angelaboord.typepad.com/three_plus_two/2008/03/a-brief-history.html
I hope it helps some. Remember KEEP IT REAL!
From one homeschooling mom to another - I SO HEAR you - not everday is great, but I am still convinced that if God calls you - He works out the kinks - of which we have ours too. Thanks for being so transparent - I LOVE THAT about you - but know that I feel the same way somedays too!!! HOWEVER, at the end of the day - I love knowing that I know my kids, I home with them everyday - I know their strengths and weaknesses - and I am SO glad God called me to this!!! Love ya!!!
You know what girl....we could be twins. Life is just tough some times and when things don't go the way "we" plan....it is very easy to get upset with ourselves. Mothering is a huge job and not one that is always easy.
Hang in there.....oh and BTW....if you pull your blog....I'll hunt you down and it WON'T be pretty! ;)
We are glad today is better than yesterday...and Sunday will be even better!
This is a true story from a North Carolina wedding. The mother of the bride suddenly just had to rush to the bathroom before the ceremony began. Rushing and very nervous she then rushed back out to the ceremony.
All eyes were awaiting and watching...looking upon her beauty; her lovely pink chiffon gown gently brushed in the breeze, ever so gracefully.
However, small giggles began to lift round about the wedding chapel...because in her hand she was TIGHTLY CLUTCHING A HUGE ROLL PINK TOILET PAPER....unbeknownst to her...her tiny pink clutch purse still lay on the back of the bathroom commode. (a Glorious Impression) and life goes on....smile
I didn't take all the time to read these comments, so I hope I am not repeating what anyone said.
I think we, as mothers, need to stop beating each other up in an attempt to make ourselves feel better. SAHMs and working moms duke it out over what is better for their children. Homeschooling moms and public school moms do it too. Why can't we all just give each other a big hug and realize that we all have a big job to do and we should just encourage each other?
Anyway, we have done public school for 3 years. We have been so pleased. My Matthew, who is a system bucker, does fabulously well in school. Never a problem.
We have had the boys come home and tell us sad stories about their classmates, but we try to use these as opportunities to delve into what Jesus would do.
Again, this isn't knocking homeschooling. I knew I couldn't do it, so I never even looked into it. Pat yourself on the back for wrestling with what to do with your daughter. It shows your deep love for her!
Oh my sweet friend....welcome to the "sometimes" days of homeschooling. WE all have those days...and do you want to know what I do when we have one....I just say..."Hey Chels....you know what...I don't think we are having a very great time here...and that is what we want to do is love learning and enjoy what we're doing...so for now...let'
s stop and have a really yummy snack and watch some TV..Or watch a movie or go shopping or go to Mamaw and Papaw's or call friends and hang out......and we'll try this again tomorrow....(Or later that day)...or whenever we are both feeling better about it!....
I am not going to tell you everyday is rosy and so easy and full of bliss...because it is not. IT is just like any other school day public, private or homeschool....there are good days great days..and not so great days! But through them all....there are many blessings...and learning experiences and oh what memories!
If you know in your heart that God has called you to homeschool your little girl...then stay the course....keep the faith....and it will all come together! I promise...HE will see to it!
IT truly is a calling...a Passion..and from what I have read and what we've emailed back and forth...YOU are called and passionate about doing this!
You can do it....you will love spending the days with your baby girl...you'll love that YOU taught her to read....you jump up and down when she learns a concept that you have been teaching! It is not unusual for me to climb on top of something and jump when Chelsi "Gets" a new concept...especially in Math! hee-hee!
I will be absolutely covering you in prayer.....hang on...I promise better days are coming! They really are my friend!
Love and hugs coming your way!!!!!
I know I am very late in posting to this but I really felt like I should. I hope you get it.
You know that I have one of my four kids that really had issues and was never an easy child to teach and yet I knew in my heart of hearts that I was to teach him at home so that he did not fall through the cracks in ps. For he surly would. He did when he finally went to ps for 7th grade and part of 8th. He has done so well in his new school b/c they teach like a homeschool with the Charlete Mason way of teaching.
I would have to say I lean more towards the unschooling way instead of the other degree. I do not like to make it like "school" but more like life. I used "Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons" for the younger 3 kids. Even the hardheaded one.
I have seen from your posts how you have taught your daughter from the begining of your time as her mom. That is what it is all about. You teaching her, about life and other important things. I hate to see the stresses of perfection creep into your desire and want to be your daughters teacher. I go through that myself but the joys far outway the doubts. You are a wonderful loving mother who knows her daughter so well. Like others have said God will get you through and bless you for it.
I love you, know that always!
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