Possible Titles for this Post: 1.Poor Me. 2.What's Wrong with Me? 3.When You Put It All Out There...They're Gonna Read It.

This is serious. No, this is tongue & cheek. Maybe it's both. I don't know. Do I really know anything? Talk about "keepin' it real"....well, how 'bout this:

I----don't----know----what----to----do.

I'm a very transparent person. Always have been. I don't hide things from people and that's part of why people are drawn to me or so I've been told. I also get on a kick and go FULL THROTTLE and then usually don't get to the end of whatever it was that I started off so brilliantly because of some reason or another. When I go full throttle into some new venture I truly believe with all my heart that I am following what the Lord wants me to do. How can it seem that I am wrong or have made a mistake when things go awry? Now that the Blogosphere is a part of my life I tend to post whatever new is on my mind and heart. I know I have you lurkers that read as well as all you precious bloggers I have "met" who comment and I put it all out there for you to read my life. My choice. I know. But when I have to recant something, I don't like it. I feel that it makes me look dumb or wishy-washy....and I'm neither. Well, maybe a bit wishy-washy.

How can I be a very confident girl while at the same time question every move I make? Makes no sense. However, I am right smack in the middle of those feelings. I know lots of you read this blog. Not sure why. Sometimes the pics are cute. Sometimes I am darn funny. Sometimes I write something poignant. Sometimes the post is lame-o. Sometimes I post stuff that I wish I hadn't posted, but can't really delete because all of you have already read it so what's the point of deleting?

Right now I want to delete the entire Pandapalooza Blog. Get out of the Blogosphere. Not because I really WANT to, but because of the stuff I do to myself like when I posted "The Land of Comparison" a couple of weeks ago. I have gotten myself SOOOOOOOO worked into the world of Homeschooling that I have our whole year planned, my blog all homeschool linked, the school named, the school room ready to be put together and all the fun things lined up just waiting for our taking. So what's the problem, you say?

PROBLEM:
I have a deep desire to homeschool. I KNOW I have so much to give. I L-O-N-G to live out all the reasons I posted a few days ago in "Why We Homeschool". I truly believe all those things I typed. The problem lies in the fact that I have a precious little girl WHO BUCKS EVERYTHING! Not just yesterday's blip, but all the time. As precious as she is in other ways, learning from me is not her forte in life. I hate uttering these words. They make me cry. Maybe my daughter doesn't need homeschooling. Maybe she needs other children. Maybe it's just another dream of mine crushed. Maybe.

Yesterday's funny post, was not funny at all in the real world.
Blogosphere---funny. Our house---NOT funny.

As much as I want and believe in homeschooling, my daughter is the antithesis of it. Easier said?---OPPOSITE.

So in order for me to play the "poor me" card, I have to lump all that disappointment into the bowl along with being embarrased over the homeschool blog overhaul I did and all the fancy talk, not really being able to add number to our family and the struggle that ensues, wondering what exactly I am here on earth for, seeing every past failure under a magnifying glass, wondering if I will ever live out in the country like I want, stirring it all real hard to make a cake for the "poor me party" I'm throwing then adding a dash of guilt for not being thankful for what I have and lastly a pinch of "I hate loving food too much" and then wallowing around in the mush.

Ta-dah. That's about as much "keepin' it real" as I want to post today.

This too shall pass.

Just venting.

I'm OK.