This is the Chinese character for love.I didn't think it would come so soon. Panda-Girl is turning four this week, but that's not the "soon" I am talking about. How can she ask this so soon? I was taken aback at the timing of it. We were reading the I Love You Like Crazy Cakes book like we have done countless times before and today she stopped me and wanted me to read a certain page again. The page that says the baby has a Chinese mother. My heart sank and I read it again. And then she asked. "Why does that baby have a Chinese mother?" She knows this story represents her story as well. I knew this question was coming. I thought maybe in a few years. Not now. Not at four. I am not scared of the question, nor the answer, but I am just tender to the whole situation. It brings up raw emotion that is completely unexplainable unless someone has an adopted child. I told her that there is a law that said the Chinese mommy can only have one baby and maybe she had two and had to find a new mommy for the other baby. That was basic information. I didn't want to give her info overload. She was fine and said that the nannies said, "Only one baby for you. Not two babies. Only one." and she was done with it. We finished the book, I kissed her face and covered her up for her nap. I went into the living room and cried onto my precious man's shoulder. I am not sad. The tears come from the place in me that knows no matter how well we raise her, pray for her, or tell her she is wanted and loved that she at some point will have to deal with her own emotions and that empty hole of unanswered questions. Only God can fill that kind of hole. It is God-shaped. The tears are streaming now as I type. I am not making more of this than I should. This is our reality and I knew it would come. I wouldn't have it any other way. I was born to be Panda-Girl's mommy. Period.
7 comments:
Zoe is very blessed to have you as her Mom.
The real truth is that she was your baby from the beginning. No matter the circumstances that brought her to you, God knew you were going to be her mom from the time you were conceived, and He certainly knew that she was going to be yours from the time she was conceived--it's just that somebody else had to carry her for you. God uses all sorts of earthly, human circumstances to bring us the children that he gives to us. She's a lucky little gal!
Jenlo said it better than I could've:
"The real truth is that she was your baby from the beginning..."
It makes me well up just thinking of how GOOD He is, how faithful, and how many people have seen that evidenced in your life. I LOVE YOU~
My Parents are my Mom & Step-Dad. My Biological Father was only in my life when I was in elementary school (and believe me it was not a pleasant experience). My Step-Dad became my "Daddy" very quickly. My Step-Dad adopted me when I was 30. It was the best gift he could have ever given me. I went thru tough emotions, but in the end, I am VERY blessed to have my Adopted Daddy in my life. PandaGirl will go thru emotions, but her love for PandaMom & PandaDad will outweigh those emotions. Her love for you guys will grow each and everyday. God blessed the Panda's with a beautiful angel from another country/mother, but as Jenlo said she was your baby from the beginning. God is Glorious! Praise God for the Panda Family.
What a sweet post. I can't imagine the emotions that both of you are feeling. I imagine that one day, she will feel so blessed to have been taken out of a Communist country to a country with two loving parents who have a heart for God. I have often thought of what an incredible gift that adoptive parents give to children from other countries who might have never heard of our God.
I agree with Jenlo.
My son is 4. We have started having conversations about his too. It is much more... hmmm... obvious to him now that we are so close to receiving our referral for mei mei. He asked if he grew in my tummy. I had to tell him he grew in his birth mommy's tummy in China. It was hard to say... BUT I believe that by talking when he is ready to talk and just answering the questions he asks we will go and grow through these tough questions together.
Post a Comment