To Be Held...

Natalie Grant sings a song called "Held" that was actually written by a friend of hers who wrote the lyrics after another friend and her husband had gone through years of miscarriages and infertility issues, finally had a baby and then that baby died at the age of two months from SIDS. I heard Natalie sing this at the Women of Faith Conference this past August. Tears were just flowing down my face. I have never experienced pain like losing a child and I never want to know that kind of pain, but I do know that in the midst of any amount of pain in my life that my Savior is always here to hold me and comfort me. There is something better awaiting those of us who believe that He is who He says He is and that He can do what He says He can do. I am identifying with this particular song right now because it finally hit me down deep that we aren't going back to China for our little girl. At least not anytime soon. I think my defense mechanism kicked in when I found out we couldn't go and I just got all worked up about moving on to the next thing. PandaPop was very hurt over the whole thing and I guess my subconscious just didn't want to deal with it at all. We are moving on, but I am not sure exactly what road to take. I know that God is in control. That doesn't stop the hurt though. He said that we'd have trials and tribulations while here on earth. I am aware of the countless blessings that He bestows on my life. I am truly grateful and tell Him so all the time. I just wonder sometimes why building our family is so difficult. I see others even those so close to me and wonder why they can have several kids and we struggle for one. Now two seems to be eluding us as well. I adore PandaGirl. She is perfect for us. I am just feeling very melancholy over the "loss" of dreams that were built around two little Asian girls. God is the Giver of all good things. He will take care of us. I believe that. Someone compiled this video montage with the song. I hope you are blessed as I was. I think we all want to be "held" at some time or another. Be blessed.

Changing our path...

Well, it seems as though China has decided to change the criteria for who gets to adopt baby girls from their country. They are putting into effect some pretty stout stipulations in order to be eligible to adopt. We are not going to fit this new set of standards. Just like that. Our adoption of Angela Hope is cut off.....or at least postponed. So many families are going to be devastated by this new set of rules. I am more than grateful that we already have our PandaGirl. I am grieving over the "loss" of Hope for the time being, but we believe that China will get back to regular adoptions eventually. So many people adopted in the past few years that I think they got a bit overworked and overloaded. Surely when things calm down they will allow more "average Joes" to continue to add to their family. The amazing thing is that with this information I didn't breakdown crying. Instead I prayed and called a local agency to get info on adopting domestically. We have had a name for a baby boy picked out almost as long as we have had PandaGirl. We always hoped that AFTER Hope we would be able to adopt him, but now it seems as though the timeline we had all figured out is changing. Isn't that just like God? Ya know, to do things His way and on His timeline instead of our own agenda??? I am actually at total peace and almost giddy over the thought of adopting a BABY boy!! Since we got PandaGirl at 15mos. old I will be a first time mom in a different sense. We want a baby this time, not a toddler. Wow. I have always gloried in the fact that the Lord chose for me NOT to have sleepless nights with a newborn and now I am actually going in head first! We still have a lot to pray through and of course, getting through the rest of the holidays and into the new year, but we are both very excited about the new changes coming our way. PandaPop and I are telling PandaGirl tonight that Baby Hope isn't in the plan that we have been telling her about. God is directing us in a new way. Hope is not a "no", but rather a "wait". What a lesson to teach our little one about our precious heavenly Father and His perfect ways whether we understand them or not. I will share the baby boy name in a later post when we have more information and a more clear direction as to what we are going to do. Thank you for your prayers. We are blessed no matter what happens. Trust.