Where Did I Go?

Oh where, oh where has my inner self gone?
Oh where, oh where could I be?

With my time cut short and my work still here,
Oh where, oh where could I be?

Oh. My. Goodness. By looking at the graphic you might think I am sick of being at home doing all those mom things.
Nuh-uh.
Just the opposite.
I can't wait to be back at HOME!

How do you do it? If you work a full-time job outside (or inside) the home AND have children....please, let me give you some applause. THIS IS SO HARD! Friends ask me all the time "how's your new job?", "do you love your new job?", "what's it like going back to work?". I want so desperately to answer with a smiling face and say, "WONDERFUL!", but I find myself, instead, prefacing all my answers with this, "it is a huge blessing to have the job, but my last day is June 5th." Seriously, there is NO doubt that God handed me this job on a silver platter with sparkly bows on it so that we could fund our adoption. However, the REALITY of working full time is killing me! This working full-time thing is really interfering with my life! LOL! ; )

On the bright side there are some benefits via my job experience:

~once I return to my domain as a Stay-At-Home-Mom, I will SOOOOOO appreciate my role and do it with gusto, enjoying all I can and providing for my family in every way possible.

~my brain has turned to mush after being home for five years. I need to exercise it daily in order to not end up in a looney bin with no brain cells in my old age.

~the adoption will be paid for. BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE!!!

~we have a little extra "play" money to get some things we have needed and wanted for awhile.

~I feel that my college degree is actually being used instead of just hanging all on the wall in a pretty frame.

~my faith has to be evident in my walk and talk in front of non-believers....ya know, "those" people outside of our Christian bubble who need to experience Jesus in a positive light.

~I have always valued my time with PandaPop and PandaGirl, but even more so now that I don't get to see them as often.

~my eyes have been opened W-I-D-E to how so many families in our church must feel all time...tired, run-down, exhausted, pooped out, frustrated, frayed, weary...and then come to church and volunteer even more time.

Ever since I found out this speech therapist position was open in mid-August, I have been running around like a chicken with her blonde head cut off. Not a pretty sight. Lots of hormonal fun. Smile. Also add to the mix that my baby started Kindergarten, we packed and moved into a different house, we surfed through hurricanes in Haiti with our little guy we "were" adopting, learned that he had a blood transfusion then later learned that we couldn't adopt him after all---and all this along with all my job responsiblities that are JUST now making sense. Whew. I have been on an emotional roller-coaster with no seatbelt and my head hanging over the side of the car at every turn. I have not been a pretty sight to my family. I am praying fervently for ME to come back to the land of the living and get "it" together---as if I EVER had "it" together, but at least I wasn't a mean grumpy person before working. I can't be this way until June. I just can't. Somewhere I have to find a balance between all of this stuff and thrive, not just survive.

I must say that I have asked for forgiveness for EVER taking my job as a SAHM lightly. I have come to realize that being a stay at home mom is not only FUN--despite all the chaos and frustrations of being home all day with little ones--but it is truly an honor, privilege and gift from the Lord. My hope is that SOMEbody, ANYbody will take encouragement from this post and find a way to enjoy your season "at home" and don't take it for granted...you just might HAVE to go back to work someday!!! AHHHH!

Thank you, Jehovah Jireh (Old Testament name for God meaning "my Provider") for the job. Thank you for letting me experience life as a stay-at-home-mom when some people don't ever have that opportunity. Thank you that the plans are that I will return to that job and will do my very best to honor You in all that I do. Thank you.