When the Bow Breaks...

...the cradle will...

You know the rest of the ridiculous nursery rhyme. What a harsh way to treat a baby.

Well, that is, if you can get one.

I am so sick and tired of this song and dance of trying to add to our family. We love PandaGirl so much and if God finally says she is all we get, then what a blessing. However, WHY has He put it in our hearts to have another yet we can't ever seem to get them?

Why all the yammering from me?

We found out the little boy we have a picture (not a referral) of from Haiti is not going to work out for our family. Turns out that he is VERY sick with several critical issues, struggling to hang on. It makes me cringe to think about not continuing the path to him after so much prayer, but we just can't go on with that adoption. Please don't judge. If you have never gone through an adoption process you have no idea how painstakingly awful it is. The decisions to accept or not accept certain aspects of a child is heart-wrenching at best.

I am at a loss. What do we do? God provided this new job for me to provide for an adoption. I certainly wouldn't have gone out just for fun and gotten a job. That in itself is stressing me out like crazy.

I cannot begin to tell how many times we have attempted to adopt since December of 2004. Our poor PandaGirl is so confused about who/when/IF she will ever have siblings. She is so faithful to pray for them and then::POOF. "Sorry, baby girl, nix THAT one off the list because we aren't adopting them after all." I guess it's just a front and center life lesson for PG to learn how our plans certainly aren't God's plans and that we must trust Him though we don't understand. She even cried last night when we told her we weren't pursuing "Name we've been praying for" because he was so sick we couldn't get him. What kind of message does that send? Is she thinking that if SHE gets sick we won't keep her either? Who knows what goes through her little mind? She can't comprehend the depth of his sickness and that it isn't just a cold to take medicine for and get better.

We haven't called off Haiti, but seriously, we are at a holding point. I think PandaPop and I have come to the conclusion if one more shot at getting a kid doesn't work out then we'll just forget it and move on as a family of three. Can't imagine that because, again, WHY would God have put it so deeply in the desires of my heart to have more than one child and not let us have them? Crazier things have happened.

To my church friends who read this: sorry. Sorry that you will see me at church with a smile and my usual giddy spirit and wonder "is she faking it"??? Well, nope. I have been really sad and down about this whole thing. Pity party for some time now. The only reason I can smile and be joyful is because of the hope I have in Jesus. I know God is in control. I can't possibly understand Him. Though I know the Truth-- I have to fight not being even a little mad at Him for "doing" this to me. I sat this week with a young teen in a speech therapy session at work who probably has drug-laden babies all over the place from all his unsacred relations with young teen girls whose babies will more than likely be neglected and abused. I can say this with confidence because he has literally fried his brain by huffing and sniffing glue as a kid.

But HE and some little girl can bear children??? Makes no sense.

But, then again, neither does my free salvation from hell.

God is good all the time. All the time God is good.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12